In these last days there are several cases that the press has brought us from macho violence. Women, and in some cases children, killed by men who must have thought that their lives belonged to them to do what they wanted with them. Horrible stories that continue to be perpetuated from year to year with scary statistics.
Men who kill their women or ex-women, their children, to harm them. Mens. Men who one day were children. Children. I can't tell where the problem was, whether it was in childhood or later, but those children, normal children, became horrible men, so as the father of three sons I have very clear that I have a lot to do to help prevent future murders of sexist violence.
What the statistics say
The data of the Ministry of Health, Social Services and Equality say that from 2005 to today (because there are already 24 in this year) there have been 647 deaths from sexist violence. If we expand the data to 2003, the number increases to 789 victims.
So far this year, as I say, there are 24 victims. This could make us think that the trend is down, but there are still 4 months left and it is known that in December they usually increase calls for help for this reason (come on, that is, how the year will end).
In any case, it doesn't matter. They are many victims, several followed in a few days and as a result several movements are emerging in the network, increasingly active, with messages like "They are killing us" or "Not one more." Among them, I want to rescue an entry from Irene Garzón (You will remember her for being the author of the book "The society that emptied wombs") that she wrote today in her blog, entitled "Mother of daughters", where she explained what a mother can do and does to educate her daughters helping them to confront sexist violence, but with the logical regret of knowing that in reality does not depend on them, but of them, of children, of men.
Because yes, many people say that of course, that as women do not report, because then what happens happens, and then what you have to achieve is that the girls of now are women capable of fleeing abuse, bad words, from someone who raises his voice, from someone who raises his hand, who does not allow the slightest disrespect.
But basically that is just a patch, because not all women are like that. And if a teenage girl ends up leaving an individual capable of losing her respect, there may be another who does not, and who begins to swallow and swallow until there is no possible solution. And that's not all: your daughter can run away at the first disrespect: "I'm sorry, I'd rather leave the relationship. I'm not at ease", but can't control the boy's reaction, possible abuser.
It is in them that the work must be done. The parents of the boys are the ones who have the maximum responsibility with them, so that don't be who we don't want them to be.
What nonsense, my son will never be one of them
Already, we all think that our son will never be able to do something like that. But look, then it turns out that they do. Except for very clear cases, in which it is already seen that a man is terribly macho and impolite, aggressive and misogynist, what abusers usually project is not that. In the eyes of the people they can be friendly, educated, dialoguing people ... who are not so friendly when the person they are addressing is their partner, or their children.
If it always happens. You have only to watch TV, when you kill a woman. Immediately the neighbors leave, even some relative, who say that: "He was a normal person, I would never say that he was able to do something like that."
Because they are, normal people (well, for me they are not, if they are capable of something like that, but you already understand me) that at some point in their lives they came to think that they had the right to control the lives of other people to the point of harming them if not They listened to them.
No, there is no need for his parents to be abusers (although he favors it, obviously). Let's say just don't educate them enough, with not making them respectful and affectionate people, so that they end up being who we don't want them to be. And if they do not become one, it is enough to teach them to flee from the problems and not to transmit them some values so that they are those friends of the abusers who see, but remain silent, becoming accomplices.
I do not want my children to be abusers nor do I want them to be complicit in the abuse, so that is why I am writing this entry.
What can parents of male children do to end abuse?
There are many things we can do to try to ensure that our children do not end up starring in horror stories such as those told in the news and so that they are especially critical of the machismo that daily floods life in society:
- Be an example: What they see at home is what they consider normal. Our children have to see that mom respects dad and that dad respects mom. And they have to see that both mom and dad respect them. No one uses force or verbal or physical violence to get things done, but they do everything possible to reach agreements through dialogue.
- Let them see that dad and mom are the same: if dad and mom take care of them, if dad and mom both take care of the house, if both are co-responsible for household chores and their education they will be seeing equality every day.
- Do not threaten or hit: Neither the couple, obviously, nor the children. We must avoid hitting them (not even that of the cheek in time) because then we will be getting what we want through the damage inflicted on the other. They should not think that it is okay for us to fix things that way because they should never be tempted to fix them with others in the same way.
- Spend time with them: Because spending time with them, talking about things and making them part of our lives will make them feel loved, important and with an adequate level of self-esteem. If instead they feel alienated, isolated, if they feel that we do not include them, we run the risk that they fall into the "my parents do not understand me, they have never been for me ... pass from me" and begin to try to find notoriety where They shouldn't, the way they shouldn't.
- That they feel important to you, but not the most important: if parents become stewards, if we avoid any frustration, if we do not let them grow and face problems, because we solve them, they may think that the world revolves around them, that they have the right to demand that others are at your service. We run the risk that they go from asking to demand, that our relationship with them be servants and that, when looking for a partner, they intend to do the same, have a woman who serves them who can and should demand things from them. Children do not need butlers, but parents.
- Let them know what friendship is: that they know that having a friend is having someone close to you who gives you a lot for nothing, and vice versa. That friends deserve all the respect on their part and that they must demand the same respect. It is not friendship if there is an interest involved and it is not friendship if respect is lost.
- Let them know what machismo is: that men and women, although physically different, are exactly the same. The same in terms of rights and duties. The same regarding the respect we deserve. The same in the eyes of society. The same in a relationship, where neither of them has to control the other, or say what they have to do, because neither is anyone's possession.
- Let them know that people are not from anyone: that they are not ours, as Khalil Gibran says, but that they come through us to continue here when we leave. In the same way, that women are not ours, that they are with us because they want to, because love, affection and the desire to lead a common life unite us.
- Let them know that sometimes love ends: It is not necessary to speak it, but when a close couple separates, it is worth explaining. Sometimes love ends. Sometimes a couple realizes that the thing has not worked and they decide to follow life separately. Y that's fine. It is fine because when we say "what daughter, who has left her" or "what child, who has left her", they can understand that everything comes down to a guilty and a victim, and that the victim may have a desire for revenge or right to take revenge
- Do not do to anyone what they would not want them to do: It must be a maxim in their lives, that they never do anything to anyone they don't want them to do to them, even if their friends encourage them to do it, even if everyone else does. If they think it's not right, if they wouldn't like it, don't do it.
- Never let them do what they don't want to do with their body: nobody can force them to do something they do not want and consequently they have no right to do anything to anyone who has not given them permission to do so. They must respect themselves, be respected and respect others.
- Don't shut up: Most likely, they are clear that they have no right to anyone's life, and that they are no one to choose who lives, who does not live, nor is anyone, in reality, to fix things through the use of force and of physical punishment. But they are someone for don't shut up, because they are likely to witness acts, or conversations of other boys who do make sexist comments. They should not shut up or turn their eyes, because silence does not help their partners or friends at all, and as Gandhi said: "The most heinous thing about bad people is the silence of good people".
So if you are a father or are the mother of a male child you know, we are responsible, main actors, responsible for ensuring that gender violence does not continue to be transmitted. The previous generation, the one that educated us, did not succeed, because gender violence is not only in the numbers of murder, but in every aggression, every insult, every humiliation and almost, almost, in every corner. Even on television, every day:
We cannot change the world, but we can act with our children, and if our children stop transmitting that violence, they can change the world.
Photos | iStock
In Magnet | What if those who are discriminating against machismo are also boys?
In Babies and more | Stereotypes of sexual identity, 27 things children need to know at age 12 (and better know them for you), Hidden in full light: millions of cases of violence against children
