You may have never thought about it. It may be something that you were clear from the beginning of time. You might think that you would make the decision when the time came. What you might not have thought is that now that you are clear, your partner, that person with whom you want to share the rest of your life, does not want to have children. What to do when you want to have children and your partner does not? Can the relationship be saved?
First of all, dialogue
If there is a vital issue in which dialogue in the couple is fundamental, this is paradoxically, but it is very difficult for us to face “the conversation”.
Although you have talked about the subject at some time, even if you think that your partner knows more than enough what you think about it (and you think that you also know his opinion perfectly), the importance of the subject makes it essential that you take some time to Address it as it deserves. That is: do not pass tangentially through it, do not drop it, This must be talked about.
Prepare the conversation
Many times we think we have a very clear idea, we know exactly what we want to say, but when it comes to having a conversation (and more so if it is a complicated one, especially transcendental) we may block ourselves, or that let's not express things as we wanted.
To avoid this, it is best to define in advance what message we want to convey, and how. Sit down one day with peace of mind, and on a paper write down everything you want to tell your partner, point by point. Then write it down, as if you were telling it live. This will help you to mentally elaborate your speech and prevent you from leaving things in the inkwell.
Listens
You have a message to convey to your partner, but your partner will also have something to say about it, right? If we want to reach an agreement, or at least try, if we want to understand each other, we must listen.
Some guidelines to improve listening and communication:
- Look at the speaker to the face (if we look the other way it will give us the feeling that they are not attending to us)
- Nod, or provide some listening signal
- Formulate Open questions (gives rise to tell us more, to understand better). Open questions are those that cannot be answered simply with a Yes or a No.
- When you finish speaking the other, return the information as a summary, to verify that we have understood. It is not about repeating like a parrot, but about, with one sentence, summarizing what we have understood. With this we guarantee that there is good communication.
No cheating and self-deception: make your positions clear
Sometimes confronting someone we love costs a lot, and to avoid the conflict in the short term it is possible that we "give long to the subject" being ambiguous with our responses. Sometimes we give ourselves long minimizing the importance of the subject, thus avoiding having to face the decision, true?
On this subject it is usual to give in some way long and not be precise, both one and the other. "Right now I can't think of having children"says he who does not want. "I'd like it, even if it's not now" says the one who wants. But both are not accurate. This type of comment leaves a little in the air the real posture of the speaker, and thus creates ambiguity.
"I will face it later", "In time we will reach an agreement"... The passage of time not only does not help, but in most cases what it does is complicate things: more commitment, more living time, perhaps more grudges, less timeframe ... So better take the reins now .
Remember that you love each other: empathy is essential
It is important that you try to empathically understand the other. Do you know what empathy is? Sometimes we confuse it with “thinking or feeling the same as…” and no, it is not that: it is trying to understand how the other thinks or feels, without implying that we agree.
Having confronted positions does not mean that we should disrespect (that never helps), however important the issue may seem to us. Precisely because of this relevance it is convenient to try to understand the other, to favor the agreement and / or the conscious decision making.
And yes, there may be no agreement
In spite of speaking it in the best possible way, in spite of having done it with all the love, empathy and consideration of the world, it is possible that the agreement does not exist. Then what do we do?
It's time to reflect (ourselves) to make a decision. In couple life, renunciations and agreements, giving in and compromising, is something necessary (only if we have a relationship that works, they don't live as something negative, don't worry). But having a child is not a trivial issue, it is not a resignation or a cession of light ones: this one can take its toll, and the important ones as well.
That is why before making any decision, before planting ourselves in the “We continue at any price” or in the "Come on, we have it and we'll see" (This is the worst thing one can do, for ourselves and for the creature that comes), it is worth reflecting.
Consider the present of your relationship, the pros and cons of your partner as it is today.
Project into the future, imagine all possible scenarios (in broad strokes) and observe the pros and cons. For example, imagine a future in which it is no longer feasible (by age, by resources, whatever) that you have children, and there is no going back.
How you feel? How do you see your partner? With all this scale, weigh and decide: sometimes we are afraid to make decisions for the suffering that they entailBut think, it is a short-term discomfort, which will allow you to achieve your goals in the medium and long term, isn't it?
It is wonderful when our vital plans, our priorities and our goals coincide (at least the big ones) with those of our partner. But sometimes it is not. Love is not white or black, it is not "everything is going well or everything is going wrong". Love is full of grays, of facets in which we love our partner madly and areas in which the disagreement can be lethal (and nevertheless love each other strongly).
It is possible to love your partner but know that the difference in vital projects will be an insurmountable obstacle. This does not make the break up easier, of course, but less horrible: at least there is love, and it is love towards each other and towards ourselves that leads us to make such a decision.
If you have chosen to end your relationship it is recommended what do you plan, many, in the short, medium and long term. When we are in a couple, these plans are linked to each other, and to have a less traumatic separation, we must take the reins of our lives, keep ourselves busy and remind ourselves, because we will forget, the reason we ended up.
In the event that we have serious difficulties to address this issue we can go to a professional. The couple therapists help to deal with situations like this in the best possible way, so that, whatever the result, it has the least negative impact on both members.
If this is your case, if you are in this situation, calm down, think, speak ... and encouragement.
Photos: Silver linings playbook; Just like heaven
In Babies and More: Why should we stop asking couples without children the "And you, for when?"
